i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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