You're my little dorito
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Come on in and take your pants off
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