my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
