hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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