She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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