Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
