What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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