Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
