I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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