someone threw a dead crab at me
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
