I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
