well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
