That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Randomize
