I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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