I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
