I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
