tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
