Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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