The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
