I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Holy sore nipples Batman
did you just send me my own nude
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
