Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
