i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
