Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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