last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
