It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
