After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
