And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
