the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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