Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
