did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
