Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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