also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
