Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
