Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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