You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
