There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
