sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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