Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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