I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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