i'm lost and i look like a hooker
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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