Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
