sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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