so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
