Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
