it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
