I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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