Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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