I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Randomize
