I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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