I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
