I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
