I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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