BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
