How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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