the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
